Our Mailman Has Anger Issues

Dearest friends on the internet,
Happy Friday Eve! We have almost made it through another week! Hallelujah!

Today was an extremely busy day. I worked diligently on this week’s newsletter and also my book. I made little progress on either project due to the disgusting interruptions from the vile beasts and the woman. Do they not understand that I have deadlines to meet? I finally had to barricade myself in my satellite office in order to have some peace and get my creative juices flowing.

I am just a little bit perturbed with our mailman. I had finally gotten settled and the words were beginning to flow through my fingertips, when suddenly there was the loudest bang I’ve ever heard at my front door. It scared the daylights out of the woman and all of the vile beasts went scurrying to their hidey-holes. I grabbed her phone and looked at our camera doorbell to see what on earth was out there. Just as I had suspected, it was our mailman. There’s no way to describe him other than to say he is very angry all the time. I had a few not-so-pleasant interactions with him when I was still on the streets. I do not like him at all. We looked at the video from our camera and couldn’t believe what we saw. He got out of his mail truck, walked to the middle of our driveway, and threw a package to our front door. He didn’t even wait to see if it landed on the porch. He threw it and turned to get back in his truck. What an absolutely vile individual.

In other news, I have to be honest...the woman hurt my feelings today. She had prepared my breakfast and I was savoring every single bite when she said, “Gosh, Bob, you’re starting to get some junk in your trunk. You might need to cut back a little bit on your trips to the food dish.” I could not believe she would say such a mean thing to me. First of all, has she looked in the mirror lately? All those visits from DoorDash are starting to add up. The quarantine has not been kind to her behind. Secondly, I’m a man and a man needs his nutrition to stay strong. And, finally, who says a little junk in the trunk is a bad thing? The woman disappoints me almost daily.

I am feeling a bit cranky tonight. I hope you all will stop what you’re doing right this minute and go wash your hands. Once that is done, I hope you have a peaceful evening with pleasant dreams of a world where coronavirus is dead and gone.

Very truly yours,
Bob